Iron Will is the true story of young Will Stoneman (Mackenzie Astin) who enters a 500 mile long dog sled race from Winnipeg to Saint Paul to win $10,000.00 to pay for his widowed mother's farm house and his own college education.

The movie starts with the 17 year old Will delivering mail via Dogsled in 1917 South Dakota. After watching him tumble his sled in front of an oncoming car and ask a soldier who were at war with we get a good look at his young, naive nature. This same behavior causes him to show up late with his mail delivery and lose his job. Boo.

His dad, Jack (John Terry), consoles him and tells him not to worry about it. They'll still have money to send him off to college. Will suggests, "Hey. Know how to get a lot of money is if you enter this dog sled race thing.", which he happens to see a flier for. His old man and Ned (August Schellenberg), some Native American dude that apparently lives with them, say, "No way. That's just silly."

Later the father and son duo are out for a dog sleddin' good time, chattin' up how you need to reach for your goals and crap when papa falls through some thin ice. He's all tangled up in his sled, you see, so he's having a hard time getting loose and slowly pulling his dogs into the icy river with him. Will's not crazy about the way things seem to be unfolding and decides to grab onto the reigns in an attempt to pull his poor dad out. Jack, as good fathers would, would rather die then see his son put himself in danger and cuts the ropes allowing the frightened huskies to run off, dragging Will behind them, and letting himself slip into his own watery grave.

I knew this moment was coming the second I saw them go near the river. How? It's a Disney movie. What is it with the Walt Disney Company and killing parents? Bambi's mum, Simba's pop, Both of Lilo's parents, plus all the single parents we've seen in other movies. Where are Jamine, Belle, and Ariel's mothers? Why is killing off a parent such an important plot point in every freaking Disney movie?

Anyway...

Will's pretty upset. He blames himself and he blames his dad's lead dog, Gus (dog). Gus and Will, they don't like each other. When Jack was alive he said Gus didn't respect Will because he lacked gumption or something like that. Now with Jack dead Gus tries to bite Will and Will tries to him Gus with a shovel until Ned breaks up the fight saying The River called his father's name and that it was nobody's fault.

Obviously, with no income coming into the already fairly poor family, Will's ma, Maggie (Penelope Windust) suggests selling the house and dogs to pay off their debt. Outraged, Will refuses to let that happen and rises to fill his late father's role as bread winner by taking over the family business of whatever it was he did. Make furniture I think. I don't know. I was getting something drink during that part. Maggie tells him that he's not skilled enough to do so and that the price they'd get for Gus alone... "Gus is dad's dog!", interrupts the tearful Will. "And you're his son!", chimes in the equally tearful Maggie.

Excuse me... I have... something in my eye.

Later that day Will glances onto his desk and sees the flyer for the dog seld race. A large cartoon light bulb appeared over his head as he tells him mum he's going to enter the dog sled race with Ned as his trainer.

At this point I would like to tell you that "Gnna Fly Now" started playing while Will jogs around dragging a sled on his back with Ned calling him a bum but this was not to be. Damn close though. Ned tells him all kinds of cool Indian things like "Run longer, sleep less!", "Run at night and be friendly with the moon!" and "Let the creator guide you." then gives him a whistle and teaches him his dad's tune that makes the abstinent Gus follow commands.

Will finds himself in Canada where the race is to start but, UH-OH! He was late filing his paperwork and cannot pay the 10 dollar lateness fee. Fortunately, Mr. Kingsley (Kevin Spacey), seedy newspaper writer, is willing to pay the lateness fee because he thinks a young kid entering the race would make one helluva story.

The other races, however, don't take to kindly to some punk kid entering the race, particularly the Swedish champeen, Borg (George Gerdes), who insists he will not last one day. The wealthy man about the world type gamblers sponsoring the other racers have varying opinions on whether or not Will's going to survive and start betting and drinking cognac and twisting their mustaches.

Despite the odds against him and the jerk face racers and greedy gamblers trying to break his spirits Will keeps on truckin'. Kingsley, who only paid for Will's entry to write front page stories and sell papers begins to really pull for him, nick naming him Iron Will, kinda like the name of the movie, and writes inspiring stories of Will's exploits, dad's tune, and determination to pay for his mom's house. The country cheers for "America's Hope", Iron Will as he stays in the race.

The actual race is pretty cool but pretty long and I don't feel like writing about it in detail. Iron Will gets screwed over by the ramblin' gamblin' man who pays Borg to kill Gus. Will uses some Indian secrets to give himself the advantage and keep the wounded Gus alive. Kingsley becomes less concerned about his paper and more concerned about Well's will being. Did I just type Well's will being? I've got to remember to change that before I submit this review.

A couple racers drop out due to frost bite. Will continuously approaches rivers along the way and takes alternate routes to avoid them until he gains his gumption and lets the creator guide him across a what he fears most to put him a half mile in front of the competition during the final stretch.

Near the end of the race, Will collapses with the competition gaining on him. The fearful crowd, led by Ned and Maggie who have been flown to Sait Paul to see him cross the finish line, begin whistling Will's dad's tune inspiring him and Gus to get up and win the race! And the money! And my heart! I love you, Iron Will!

All in all, for an inspiring, family movie, which I usually don't dig that much, I enjoyed this movie. Aside from the whole dead dad and poor kid rising up against all odds it didn't seem too overly Disneyish. It was a pretty good coming of age flick and a just as good under dog story. With real dogs!

It seemed like Astin was going to be a really lousy actor for the first few minutes. He was just so, peppy. Like all the time. About everything. Once they killed off Terry's character, though, he grew up right away and became a believable character that you happy to root for throughout the whole film. Kevin Spacey's role as the newspaper writer was great but, c'mon, he's Kevin Spacey.
The film itsself stayed pretty true to it's 1917 setting. With old timely costumes and cameras, occasional WWI era slang, and, according to Wikipedia, only one screw up when we caught a glimpse of modern telephone poles in the back ground. But I can forgive that.

One thing I discovered after doing a little fact finding is that the so called true story was not quite true. They really should have said, inspired by a true story" rather than, "The Uplifting True-Life Story." Turns out the real Iron Will was actually a 26 year old miner from Boston, allready went to college, lost his lead dog, and lost to the younger Canadian racer, Albert Campbell. Also his name wasn't Will. It was Fred. I feel like I've been lied to.

I also enjoyed the way Will's hair always looked perfect. Whether he just woke up, dug his face out of the snow, or got a big sloppy wet malamute kiss, his hair looked down right gorgeous.

Whatever. I'm tired of typing so I'm going to wrap this up.

Final Score:










3 Skeletor Action figures and a can

Dumpster Worthy?:
Not at all. But not a movie you're going to watch more than once in a while.




Hmmm... Did I remember to fix that Will being thing? I probably did.

When you think of Christmas you most likely think of presents and food as being the most important aspects, family and love as the least important, and Christmas movies and specials in between. There are two kinds of X-Mas special; X-Mas Carol parodies and Wonderful Life parodies. The Muppets opted for the former.

The story retells Dicken's classic tale with the aid of Michael Caine and the post Jim Henson Muppets.

I feel no need to recap the story in its entirety as everyone in the entire world knows it and I don't feel like typing very much. More or less, Kermit plays the role of Bob Cratchit working for Caine as the miserly and cruel Ebeneezer Scrooge. Scrooge treats Kermit and local townspeople like crap and is visited by three spooky X-Mas ghosts who tell him to quit being a cock or he's going to go to Hell. Scrooge wakes up after having the... Dickens scared out of him and makes amends for his rotten ways.

Like most Muppet movies the film features some catchy songs, awesome Muppetry, and silly, foam slapstick. Unlike previous Muppet movies it lacks Jim Henson. It shows, but not by much as long time Muppeteer Steve "Gobo Fraggle" Whitmire took over the role of Kermit and Brian "Jim's son" Henson directed. They did a great job but Disney had purchased the Muppets by this point, and they don't show them the respect they deserve. The film suffered from being released around the same time as Aladdin and as a result had nearly no publicity when compared to the carpet pilot.

Regardless, the movie's still very good and, surprisingly, pretty close to the source material. They even added Charles Dickens (as portrayed by Gonzo) as the narrator for a framing device. I mean, come on, it's a Muppet movie, despite any short comings Henson's plush pals are always charming and endearing. And long before whacking Ninja's on the head with a golf club to save batman's sorry ass, Michael Caine was an Oscar winner.

All in all it's a good family flick for X-Mas and not only worth taking out of trash, it's worth buying. And I'm cheap. Hell, I got my own father public domain videos for a gift this year and if I didn't find it laying in puddle of waste I might have even paid for it.

Final Score:

A yo yo and 3 discarded holiday gift cards that still have a few bucks on them.

Dumpster Worthy:

Heck No!

Sometimes I wish I took drugs. Maybe then I could have enjoyed this video.

Before I begin this review I would like to spread a little information to all of my readers (both of you). We here at The Ugly Cow want to educate and if pop culture means as much to you as it does to me you probably don't have many friends and you'd like to know a little back history about Grimace. That's right Grimace, Ronald McDonald's best, brain-dead pal who, according to a place mat I saw a few years ago, loves shakes.

A trip to Wikipedia and YouTube taught me that Grimace is a... taste bud... A taste bud?... Can't be. That site's user edited and I refuse to believe they cam up with something that stupid... Anyway, there was a time when Grimace was not such a friend to children everywhere. In fact, he didn't want anyone drinking McDonald's shakes and Cokes but him. The Evil Grimace, as he was then called, would use his four arms (you read right) to snatch up thirst quenchers wherever he found them. Ronald would always find clever ways to best his drink stealing plans and return shakes to surprisingly thin children around McDonald Land.

At some point McDonald's found themselves being sued by the creators of H.R. Pufnstuf because of the similarities between McDonald Land and their crappy kid's show. Many of the characters had to be re-tooled or thrown out. Grimace had two arms removed and became a member of Ronald's elite circle of hunger inducers.

I loved McDonald's when I was little, who didn't. Their McNuggets, soft-serve ice-cream cones, Fraggle Rock toys, and colorful commercials will have an important place in my child-hood memories until they are claimed by dementia in my final years. Grimace was super lovable. On par with the likes of Mr. Snuffleupagus. How could a cartoon starring him be so bad?
Oh dear....

It seems that a higher power (possibly the Burger King) doesn't want me to watch this video, as the tape snapped the second I put it in my VCR. No matter, I have the tools and knowledge to fix a problem like this. Give me a moment here...

...There, better than new.

Our story begins with Ronald and his cynical, talking dog, Sundae working on a ship in a bottle. I don't recall Ronald ever having a talking dog named Sundae, but I also haven't paid too much attention to McDonald's commercials lately, so who knows. Suddenly, they receive a picture call from Ronald's slow witted, overweight buddy, Grimace! (It's interesting to note that while Ronald and the ugly dog are both in live action costume, Grimace is presented in low-budget CG) Grimace tells them that he has received a letter... then the scotch tape I used to repair the broken magnetic tape hit my VCR... missed a couple seconds but apparently Grimace has to go to an Island full of Grimaces to go save them from something.

"Duh. I don't wanna go on no adventures, Ronald. Duh. I'm too stupid and afraid.", mutters Grimace. Ronald won't let his friend go on a dangerous trip like that alone. He gathers up our favorite McDonald's pals to go on an adventure! He calls on Birdie, Hamburglar, and young, Caucasian, American male to join. Ronald and Sundae turn into cartoons and they're off! (I have to point out that these characters would be very tough to be easily recognized as your favorite McDonalds pals. They could just as easily pass for your favorite Rugrats pals, especially Hamburglar. You see this video was animated by the lousy cartoonists from KlaskyCsupo... and they can't draw.)

Anyway, a sailing adventure to Grimace Island sounds absolutely lovely. Ronald throws his recently completed ship in a bottle into the ocean and it magically turns into a full sized red and yellow vessel for the crew to ride along on. Pretty cool, huh? Ronald's stuff is often magic. Now, obviously this adventure will not be without it's perills, for a mean ol' pirate has plans to get to Grimace Island as well. For, of course, there is treasure on dat ol' island apparently (Yargh.) After learning this, we soon learn that the letter was actually written by some mean pirate bitch who wants that treasure for herself. She knows Ronald and company will not let the Grimaces go unaided when they need help for some reason.

I now know that Ronald never had a talking dog named Sundae because the McNugget buddies I so vividly remember thanks to their commercials and wonderful Halloween Happy Meal toys were not present. Instead we had three bean-bag chair sized pirate McNuggets who still have beaks, feathers, wings, and chicken feet. They and Sundae both reek of Ahhh! Real Monsters! I'm going to go out on a limb and assume they were created for this awful cartoon and have ne'er been seen in a Mickey D's ad.

I clearly don't have the attention for this kind of cartoon. During the next five minutes we see Ronald's Ship getting picked up by a badly drawn whale, a big, scary storm, Grimace turning into a surfboard, a giant squid attack, pirate ambushes, a whirl pool, and three horrible songs. none of the above things were coherently pieced together in any way. Frankly, if your going to have a children's cartoon on the high seas you'll need some nautical themed dilemmas, but all at once? And where was the shark? How can you have a high seas adventure without a shark?
I think I regret putting this tape back together.

At some point the friends find themselves on Grimace Island and meet all of the tribal, grass skirt wearing Grimaces. All of whom are just as mentally handicapped as naked Grimace. King Grimace warns them that because they have come to their humble Island outsiders may follow and steal their treasure. This, naturally, instantly happens when the mean ol' pirates arrive. King Grimace, wanting to not have any violence on his peaceful island. woefully tells them where the treasure is hidden. What?! No! This kind of injustice will not be tolerated when Ronald's around! He convinces the Grimaces to fight back by (sigh) tickling the pirates. The Grimaces surround the pirates with feathers in hand and threaten to tickle the piss out of them unless they unhand the treasure. Pirates hate being tickled so they split. Hooray for the fat, purple idiots! They reward Grimace's courage with the golden cup of bravery and tell them they'll always be welcome on Grimace island.

(On a side note, I would applaud the golden cup as a nod to the old 60s commercials I recently discovered, seeing as Grimace was almost always seen with a disposable shake cup in hand (one or more of the four) but nothing else in this cartoon made a lot of sense so I doubt that much thought was put into it. Way to drop the ball on a potential homage to classic TV ads, morons!)
The home-sick heroes decide to take their leave so they summon a group if butterflies tied to a basket to fly them back home... what? As they depart they look down to see the mean ol' pirates stranded in a life boat. And hey! The shark I wanted to see earlier was there too! They all laugh at the certain death of their adversaries and fly off into the sunset.
The end.

I'm the first to admit that I enjoy a lot of really stupid cartoons. Inspector Gadget, Toad Patroll, and the Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog are just a few. But even as a youngster I can't imagine I would have liked this junk. Now I don't claim to be high brow or anything but I feel I should be above nit-picking the plot lines of a straight to video cartoon available only at participating McDonald's. It certainly didn't make me want to go to McDonald's more often.
All I'm going to say is, I almost didn't make it through this awful cartoon, and I watch Cartoon All Stars to the Rescue and Dino Riders several times a year. If that's not an indication of how bad this was, I don't know anything about anything anywhere.

Final Score:









Four old, empty shake cups.

Dumpster worthy?:
Oh, god yes.

I'm not sure how to set this one up... Three Wishes tells the tale of a family with a lot of problems who meet Dalton from Road House who makes everything better.

Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio plays Jeanne Holman, the hot, widowed mom of her of two sons, awful baseball player and longs to have a dad like everyone else, Tom (Jurassic Park's Joseph Mazello) and cancerous little brother who is afraid of everything, Gunny (Who the hell cares) in a 1955 American small town. On their way to a memorial day picnic they stop to pay their respects to America's fallen soldiers, including Mr. Holman who's plane was shot down over Korea and his body never recovered. Heading home, Jeanne accidentally hits Jack the hitchhiker (Patrick Swayze) and breaks his leg. Offering her sympathy, she invites he and his dog to stay with them until his leg heels.

While living with them, Jack sunbathes in the nude, practices meditation, brews his own sun tea, and does a lot of other things the Holman's nosy neighbors approve of no more than they do Mrs. Holman letting a stranger live with her. As the film progresses Jack teaches Jeanne she doesn't have to worry about finding a new father for the boys because she's doing a fine job raising them herself, he teaches Gunny not to be afraid of everything, and teaches Tom and his lousy team how to play baseball.

Eventually his leg heels and he decides to take his leave, much to the dismay of Tom who has grown to see him as a father figure. Jack tells Tom that every time you lose something you get something in return. "You're a bum!", yells an angry, tearful Tom who runs off without saying goodbye to what he would have liked to be his new dad. Then Mr. Holman shows up because the People's Republic of China has released fifteen American prisoners of war... also Gunny's cancer goes away. Jack probably had something to do with that. The Holman family is reunited and everyone's happy!

The above synopsis is a very abridged version of the plot.
The film begins with a present day framing device where we see Tom as an adult (Michael O'Keefe) with a family of his own learning almost hitting a dog that looks like Jacks. We'll get back to this in a moment.

The story (and name) of the film stem from the way Jack offers, not just guidance, but wishes to the Holmans. Gunny wishes he could fly into the air and see the fireworks on Fourth of July (I.E. Not be scared), Jeanne wants her boys to be well taken care of, and Tom wishes for nothing as making Jack stay was not an option. A big problem is that these wishes were very literal... Gunny does in fact fly through the air to see the fireworks. Not making that up. He flies.

The dog that travels with Jack is, as he tells Gunny during a bedtime story, a Genie that travels the world granting wishes to kind people. Now, the dog being a Genie and Gunny's flight could easily just be a case of, "Hey! Jack's just telling the kid a cool story and the flight was Gunny's youthful imagination.", but after Mr. Holman returns we come back to present day where adult Tom stops to see if the dog is okay, not only is it okay but it's being escorted by Jack who has not aged a bit and tells Tom that he made his wish for him, to be happy with whatever he gets.
Yeah, Jack and the dog were magic... and it wasn't even a Disney movie.

Honestly, it wasn't that bad of a movie. With just a little bit of work and the complete removal of adult Tom it could have been good. Still, if you're in the mood for a sentimental family film and enjoy movies like Angels in the Outfield or The Preachers Wife, you might get a kick out of this one.


Final score:
Two old Sega games, a can, and a toy robot with a missing leg








Dumpster worthy?:
Not really. If you find it in the dumpster, grab it. Unless there's something gross near it.

Oh boy, I don't know what to say. What's the primary theme of this film? I suppose the only way to describe Mona Lisa Smile is, "Julia Roberts is a sassy, smart girl in a world that's not quite ready for her... again."

Roberts plays Katherine Watson, a strong, independant art teacher in a 1950s Massachusetts Liberal Arts School for snooty girls. Her students are on a constant crusade to be even sassier than Ms. Watson herself, doing everything from answering her questions before she's finished asking them to calling a painting of a bloody carcass, "erotic." Oh, those sassy, sassy girls. Fortunately Watson's will can not be diminished by her students. She teaches the girls the value of free thought and to ignore all the conventional rules they've been brought up on.

Suddenly, the students are appreciating art and not just studying it. They now view Watson, not as some poor gal from the west coast but rather a sassy role model. The film ends with Watson leaving the school for some reason and the girls saying thank you for being a friend, your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant.

I've got to be honest, this movie wasn't terrible in the sense that it wasn't painful to be in the same room as it but it also wasn't good in the sense that whatever is on TV at this moment (this very moment, regardless of what time of day or night you're reading this) is probably better than it. One of my biggest complaints comes from the portrayal of 1953 college girls. They acted too much like sassy 2003 college girls. I suppose I'm not exactly a connoisseur on the youth from fifty years ago but I think Back to the Future gave me a way more convincing look into the past. The girls just used way too much modern slang for it to be realistic. It was also the fact that the already very feminist students were being taught feminism by their feminist teacher. Honestly, for a conservative, 1950s, private school, these chicks were really, REALLY sassy. There was also no character development. Every one of these girls could have been any other girl in the class. All the characters were completely interchangeable. Seriously, they could have switched the names of the students around every other scene and nobody would have noticed... in fact I think they might have.

If you're in the mood for a movie about a teacher teaching his/her students to think outside the box I'd have to recommend Dead Poets Society, School of Rock, or (dare I say it?) Mr. Holland's Opus before this.

All in all, for a film that focuses on the emotional and cultural value of art it sure was an uninspired piece of crap.

Final score:
Three banana peels and some expired take out.








Dumpster worthy?:
Not worth digging out of the trash but if you already have make sure you hit it with some Lysol and give it to some family member you don't really know that well as a gift.