Sometimes I wish I took drugs. Maybe then I could have enjoyed this video.

Before I begin this review I would like to spread a little information to all of my readers (both of you). We here at The Ugly Cow want to educate and if pop culture means as much to you as it does to me you probably don't have many friends and you'd like to know a little back history about Grimace. That's right Grimace, Ronald McDonald's best, brain-dead pal who, according to a place mat I saw a few years ago, loves shakes.

A trip to Wikipedia and YouTube taught me that Grimace is a... taste bud... A taste bud?... Can't be. That site's user edited and I refuse to believe they cam up with something that stupid... Anyway, there was a time when Grimace was not such a friend to children everywhere. In fact, he didn't want anyone drinking McDonald's shakes and Cokes but him. The Evil Grimace, as he was then called, would use his four arms (you read right) to snatch up thirst quenchers wherever he found them. Ronald would always find clever ways to best his drink stealing plans and return shakes to surprisingly thin children around McDonald Land.

At some point McDonald's found themselves being sued by the creators of H.R. Pufnstuf because of the similarities between McDonald Land and their crappy kid's show. Many of the characters had to be re-tooled or thrown out. Grimace had two arms removed and became a member of Ronald's elite circle of hunger inducers.

I loved McDonald's when I was little, who didn't. Their McNuggets, soft-serve ice-cream cones, Fraggle Rock toys, and colorful commercials will have an important place in my child-hood memories until they are claimed by dementia in my final years. Grimace was super lovable. On par with the likes of Mr. Snuffleupagus. How could a cartoon starring him be so bad?
Oh dear....

It seems that a higher power (possibly the Burger King) doesn't want me to watch this video, as the tape snapped the second I put it in my VCR. No matter, I have the tools and knowledge to fix a problem like this. Give me a moment here...

...There, better than new.

Our story begins with Ronald and his cynical, talking dog, Sundae working on a ship in a bottle. I don't recall Ronald ever having a talking dog named Sundae, but I also haven't paid too much attention to McDonald's commercials lately, so who knows. Suddenly, they receive a picture call from Ronald's slow witted, overweight buddy, Grimace! (It's interesting to note that while Ronald and the ugly dog are both in live action costume, Grimace is presented in low-budget CG) Grimace tells them that he has received a letter... then the scotch tape I used to repair the broken magnetic tape hit my VCR... missed a couple seconds but apparently Grimace has to go to an Island full of Grimaces to go save them from something.

"Duh. I don't wanna go on no adventures, Ronald. Duh. I'm too stupid and afraid.", mutters Grimace. Ronald won't let his friend go on a dangerous trip like that alone. He gathers up our favorite McDonald's pals to go on an adventure! He calls on Birdie, Hamburglar, and young, Caucasian, American male to join. Ronald and Sundae turn into cartoons and they're off! (I have to point out that these characters would be very tough to be easily recognized as your favorite McDonalds pals. They could just as easily pass for your favorite Rugrats pals, especially Hamburglar. You see this video was animated by the lousy cartoonists from KlaskyCsupo... and they can't draw.)

Anyway, a sailing adventure to Grimace Island sounds absolutely lovely. Ronald throws his recently completed ship in a bottle into the ocean and it magically turns into a full sized red and yellow vessel for the crew to ride along on. Pretty cool, huh? Ronald's stuff is often magic. Now, obviously this adventure will not be without it's perills, for a mean ol' pirate has plans to get to Grimace Island as well. For, of course, there is treasure on dat ol' island apparently (Yargh.) After learning this, we soon learn that the letter was actually written by some mean pirate bitch who wants that treasure for herself. She knows Ronald and company will not let the Grimaces go unaided when they need help for some reason.

I now know that Ronald never had a talking dog named Sundae because the McNugget buddies I so vividly remember thanks to their commercials and wonderful Halloween Happy Meal toys were not present. Instead we had three bean-bag chair sized pirate McNuggets who still have beaks, feathers, wings, and chicken feet. They and Sundae both reek of Ahhh! Real Monsters! I'm going to go out on a limb and assume they were created for this awful cartoon and have ne'er been seen in a Mickey D's ad.

I clearly don't have the attention for this kind of cartoon. During the next five minutes we see Ronald's Ship getting picked up by a badly drawn whale, a big, scary storm, Grimace turning into a surfboard, a giant squid attack, pirate ambushes, a whirl pool, and three horrible songs. none of the above things were coherently pieced together in any way. Frankly, if your going to have a children's cartoon on the high seas you'll need some nautical themed dilemmas, but all at once? And where was the shark? How can you have a high seas adventure without a shark?
I think I regret putting this tape back together.

At some point the friends find themselves on Grimace Island and meet all of the tribal, grass skirt wearing Grimaces. All of whom are just as mentally handicapped as naked Grimace. King Grimace warns them that because they have come to their humble Island outsiders may follow and steal their treasure. This, naturally, instantly happens when the mean ol' pirates arrive. King Grimace, wanting to not have any violence on his peaceful island. woefully tells them where the treasure is hidden. What?! No! This kind of injustice will not be tolerated when Ronald's around! He convinces the Grimaces to fight back by (sigh) tickling the pirates. The Grimaces surround the pirates with feathers in hand and threaten to tickle the piss out of them unless they unhand the treasure. Pirates hate being tickled so they split. Hooray for the fat, purple idiots! They reward Grimace's courage with the golden cup of bravery and tell them they'll always be welcome on Grimace island.

(On a side note, I would applaud the golden cup as a nod to the old 60s commercials I recently discovered, seeing as Grimace was almost always seen with a disposable shake cup in hand (one or more of the four) but nothing else in this cartoon made a lot of sense so I doubt that much thought was put into it. Way to drop the ball on a potential homage to classic TV ads, morons!)
The home-sick heroes decide to take their leave so they summon a group if butterflies tied to a basket to fly them back home... what? As they depart they look down to see the mean ol' pirates stranded in a life boat. And hey! The shark I wanted to see earlier was there too! They all laugh at the certain death of their adversaries and fly off into the sunset.
The end.

I'm the first to admit that I enjoy a lot of really stupid cartoons. Inspector Gadget, Toad Patroll, and the Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog are just a few. But even as a youngster I can't imagine I would have liked this junk. Now I don't claim to be high brow or anything but I feel I should be above nit-picking the plot lines of a straight to video cartoon available only at participating McDonald's. It certainly didn't make me want to go to McDonald's more often.
All I'm going to say is, I almost didn't make it through this awful cartoon, and I watch Cartoon All Stars to the Rescue and Dino Riders several times a year. If that's not an indication of how bad this was, I don't know anything about anything anywhere.

Final Score:









Four old, empty shake cups.

Dumpster worthy?:
Oh, god yes.